NatWest? Nonces

CF's daughters all have their own bank accounts, young though they are.

A junior bank account is pretty limited: just a cashpoint card, really, but does at least allow them ready access to the cash they need for bus fares and the purchase of underaged WKD's from dodgy newsagents.

CF-ette #2 has somehow managed to snap her card in two - hopefully not by chopping cocaine on it - and render it utterly unusable.

Since she is 15, CF phoned the bank on her behalf earlier in the week, and explained the situation. "I'm sorry", said the affectedly nasal 12 year old on the other end of the line, "..we will have to talk to her in person."

Why? Why? Oh, please God, why? CF set the fucking account up on her behalf - guess why? because she's under 16 - and has to be a guarantor on it. The account is with the exactly the same bank - NatWest - that CF has been unfortunate and lazy enough to remain banking with for over 20 fucking years.

Has anyone thought this through? Of course not. There's no thinking. No, speak with her they must.

So, come the weekend, CF calls again, this time with the relevant child at hand.

When put on to speak with them, CF-ette #2, unused to dealing with this kind of fucking insane bureaucracy, fluffs her lines and gets her own date of birth wrong.

Nooooo. Oh shit. Now we're really in trouble. The imbecile at the other end consults their laminated process checklist, and announces she can help us no further. You can sense her eyes raised to the ceiling about the transparency of the crime we're trying to commit.

We cannot request a replacement card, because we are 'not authorised' to even talk about the fucking account anymore. And, no, we cannot talk to anyone else in the call-centre. No, sorry.

"Is there anything else I can help you with today?". Well, you could fucking choke yourself with your headset flex, you hopeless bitch.

After a few minutes fuming, we decide to ring a different one of the 15 or so different phone numbers plastered all over the endless dead tree that keeps being flung through the letter box, and have another go.

But no, they're too quick. "Computer says nooo". There's already a record of the last attempt to bust this account wide open and get access to the twenty fucking eight fucking quid that is languishing in there. Just stop it would you, you pathetically obvious fraudsters? That money is locked away, safe from everyone.

So what, you fucking gormless, slack-jawed NatWest cretins, should we do? We just want another cashpoint card. Please?

"Well..", replies the umpteenth mouth-breathing moron, " need to drop in at one of our branches next week, and bring some ID"

Oh, for fuck's sake.

And what ID should we bring, you fucking steaming idiots? Shall we bring CF-ette's birth certificate? Oh no, we can't. Because you, NatWest, managed to fucking lose it during the process of applying for this account originally, didn't you? Yeah, you did.

Shall we bring her driving licence? Oh no, wait. She's fifteen fucking years old. Dear God.

But, equally importantly, NatWest keyboard monkeys, how the fuck does a child of 15 - who is, obviously, still at fucking school - 'drop in' to one of your branches during the week? Give me fucking strength.

Nationalise the banks? Nah.

Set light to them, and machine-gun the fucking staff as they come running out.

All the money goes under the mattress from now on.



Wat said...

Sounds about par for the course. I call them Natworst and keep as little money in my account as possible - I already had £300 stolen from it by what appears to be an internal bank fraud (they paid it back, but I had to sign a form declaring that honestly it wasn't me squandering £300 on an internet gambling site). Come the spring I'll be telling them to shove it.

JuliaM said...

No-one can deal with anything anymore without consulting some set-in-stone policy that can never, ever deal with every eventuality, no matter how well written. Once upon a time, this situation would have been resolved by a phone call to your bank manager.

Ahh, happier days...

Anonymous said...

Here is a tip for you CF next time put on a suitably high pitched squeaky voice and pretend you are your daughter. The cretin on the other end of the phone WILL proceed with your call I promise. That is how stupid this "data protection" shite really is.

Anonymous said...

I tried to talk to someone at SKY about our account and they refused as my wife is the "account holder" .This is despite the fact that the monthly bill is paid from MY fucking Bank account . The cunts said the data protection act prevented them talking to me about what was essentially a financial matter involving MY bastard bank acount. They had no problem Discussing MY FUCKING account details with someone on the other end of a phone who claimed to be my wife but whom they cant actually see .What fucking madness is this ????? This shite only aggrevates customers and does nothing to prevent serious fraud most of which involves their own fucking staff most of the time !!!!!

Fuck the banks said...

Many people are expressing sympathy for bank staff facing redundancies in the current climate, usually because they think they are not the ones responsible for the Banking crisis caused in the main by senior executives. Personally I hate every fucking one of them. When you remember their infinite smugness when you called to query an "administration" charge for your account slipping into overdraft by £1. Remember how they would lecture you on keeping your account in the black when all the fucking time the very organisation which they worked for was in the red by fucking millions and fucking millions. No they are ALL cunts and deserve no sympathy ! Banks have stolen our money with illegal charges. Fuck them !!!

Anonymous said...

You and your Furiousettes have my sympathy, CF, Natwest (and most banks these days) frontline customer services are a bunch of terminally inept, hopeless twats. But personally, I blame the cunts who write the insanely stupid rules. The mouthbreathers in the call centre have to follow them if they don't want to utterly jeopardise their own job.

banksters said...

Have you ever tried to do a simple transaction at a branch of HBOS Lloyds banking group or whatever the fuck they are called ?
Impossible. They bully you into seeing an advisor for mortgage/ insurance/ financial review etc.
Review from them after they lose hundreds of billions Satire is still alive at least.
I no longer fight it. What's the point ? Only wastes my time trying to say no.
So I agree to everything on offer. Make all the appointments. The teller gets her bonus, the expert gets an hour off work when I don't show up and I get out of the bank sooner. Everybody is happy !

Anonymous said...

As I'm sure you are aware, our rulers some time ago instigated all of this shite under the blanket heading of anti-money laundering. However, it's obvious that it's just control feakery at the wild groping stage at the moment, but well on the path to monitoring and controlling all of our financial transactions in preparation for the day when the government manage to introduce an all encompassing IT system that actually works.

I tried to pay some cash into my daughters Nationwide account last year, and they refused to accept it without authorisation from her. Imagine it, a financial institution refusing to accept money.

I never thought that I would end up doing what my grandfather did in the 1930's, but now that the banks pay so little interest I always keep a stash of ready cash on hand together with a few Krugerrands - just for the pleasure of knowing that I've got something the thieving bastards don't know about, and can't get their grubby little fingers on.

caesars wife said...

This case is somthing I had been puzzling over as i have had a similar experience but with an alhzheimers sufferer, having had the phone security fail , i then acoomapanied them with passport to the branch , spoke to branch manager who courtiously dialled phone bank , and sat in , first two questions went well , then on third was asked to recall what last transaction was , i read from statement , customer repeated , next thing who was that , sorry i cannot process your call as you are being prompted , que blank looks all round , manager shrugged , customer in near tears .

In the branch I ask you ! with manager and customer could not there money despite class 1 ID

thespecialone said...

Back in 2002, I was on a 7-month navy deployment to somewhere in the world. Our 7-month deployment was extended quite early on by 2 weeks which meant that the holiday my wife (not fucking partner..I am married to her) and me had booked with Thompson had to be changed. Wife rings up and explains the situation. Not good enough for Thompson...oh fucking no. The holiday was primarily booked in my name and therefore I was the only one who could change it...even though her name was obviously on the booking!.

I was 1000s of miles away; but luckily with modern comms systems such as email, she emailed me to explain. I literally had to email Thompson that I give my wife permission to change the dates of the holiday that we are BOTH going on!!! Fucking madness.

Barking Spider said...

I left NatWest 7 years ago after 17 years with them and haven't regretted it one little bit.

banned said... does me fine but sadly for CF, they do require passport and driving license details so no good for CF-ette #2.

You put your money in, you take your money out, simple. No letters, no charges ( no interest either but wtf ! ).

Snakey said...

Barclays are just as bad. They put a stop on my internet transactions after I tried to buy a camera on Amazon and send it to my mother in Spain. They rang me up after I tried to buy a graphic card on another site and that transaction was also disallowed even though it was being delivered to my home address! The stupid bitch from India asked half a dozen inane questions such as did I have my bank card with me (of course) and then went through my entire monthly transaction record to make sure I'd bought everything on the list (which I had). I pointed out to the silly cow that not only did I have my bank card but that I was also using 'verified by visa' and did she think that someone had managed to bypass the security as well as having my card? She then spent the next ten minutes apologising to me. I know they are trying to stop fraud but ffs. All hope of these people having any common sense at all is wasted.

Anonymous said...

The comment about saying you are the said person does work lol. I had similar situations with Telewest and British Gas. with telewest I passed the phone to my brother and said say you are my hubby...success! With BG I claimed I was my hubby, she went a bit quiet but then proceeding with the call, I suppose she was a bit caught with making an offensive remark about my feminine voice or just dealing with it..

Jill said...

Oh, sigh.

Just to add to the litany of idiocies: Marbles embarrassed me in Florence by declining a card purchase because I hadn't told them the dates I would be in Italy - but I had rung them up and asked if my card would work in Italy, to which they said 'yes', but not 'yes, but only if you send us an email from your account with the exact dates'.

Fidothedog said...

Shat West are total and utter fucking cunts.

They left me with no washing machine thanks to a computer says no on the insurance policy.

Then attempted to fiscally fuck me for £60+ notes of my hard earned cash for slipping a few notes into the red.

So I close the account an go elsewhere, but they then call to "apologise" and even fucked that up.

They pointed out that in the closing process other charges had been put on the account, yes they wrote them off as a good will gesture, but as the hoon on the phone explained.

Had I not fucked off they would have fucked me for a total of £108 quid in charges.

Natwest = Cunts.

Anonymous said...

You know when you open a bank account or ask for a loan or apply for a credit card they very sensibly want to know everything about your finances and lifestyle in order to asses the risk. Well try asking THEM questions like, In order to asses whether I should do business with your institution can you please tell me how much your bank lost through fraud and theft over the last financial year and in particular how much of that amount involved in whole or part crooked members of staff?
They are not to keen in disclosing this information. I wonder why !

Anonymous said...

What vile people there are on here with some of the foulest language I have ever come across.

Lets just hope that none of you go to your hole in the wall one day trying to draw some money out of the account to find that it has been emptied because of fraud or identity theft.

I am not saying that Nat West are angels here but the whole situation was handled badly.

Nat West widely advertise that their branches are open on Saturday mornings so making a fuss (with more bad language thrown in) isnt really big and clever.

Anonymous said...

Sorry but your little darling will have to get used to dealing with call centres at some stage, the sooner she learns the better surely. It is her account after all. And getting uppity about the hapless call centre staff is missing the point. They are paid to follow a flowchart and no more, not to make their own decisions - were they to do so I imagine they would quickly be out the door. These people are paid little more than minimum wage and do not deserve your vitriol - why not concentrate on the real scoundrels, the people at the top. This incident may have been mildly irritating but if one of your accounts had money missing due to fraud I imagine you'd be considerably angrier.

You can't have it both ways - start living in the real world!

Anonymous said...

You would be the first to complain if I rang up Natwest, knowing only your daughter's name and who she banked with, and managed to get details of her accounts or even withdraw the funds.

Call centre staff laugh at people who think they are above the Data Protection Act.

Anonymous said...

Today's finally pushed me to get a new bank account elsewhere. Bought some items off amazon with my Natwest Visa.........and this morning i get an 'automated' call from the NatWest Fraud bunch demanding i confirm the validity of the purchases. And now iv done so the bloody orders are buggered up payment wise grrrrrrr.

Becoming typically awkward this bank.

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