Advice for Rail Travellers

Rail users! The summer holidays are here. Why not take the young 'uns into the town - by train, of course! You could go to a museum, take in a matinee, or just enjoy the colourful stalls of the craft market. And then, at then end of the day, when the little ones are quite worn out, back on the train and home to bed!

Except, don't. Please don't. Don't try to travel with your family during the week, during the rush hour, for fucks' sake. It's called 'rush hour' for a fucking reason.

Don't be surprised when a bunch of over-tired, overheated commuters, who have to do this every fucking day, don't give up their seats for your precious offspring. You chose to travel at this time - we have to.

Don't go to a major railway station right at the height of fucking rush hour, and then be - 'oh dear' - disappointed when there are aren't four empty seats round a table where you can all share your Ribena 'n' Pringles.

Don't wonder aloud at the fact that poor little Sophie can't sit down, even though she's "shattered" after running round some bloody 'kid-friendly' exhibits for the last 2 hours. We've been busting our humps, working for The Man, since before you even got up this morning. We turned up at the station 30 minutes before the fucking train even appeared, to make sure we got a seat. You turn up just as the doors are closing - on the busiest train of the day - and still you wonder - out loud, over and over again - why you've got to strap hang when you "paid for a seat, didn't we David?".

And when we travel home on the 5:15, sweaty, tired and angry, we don't want your munchkins kicking our shins, clambering on the seats and standing on our feet with their stupid flashing trainers. Your pale, slightly ginger, children, with their oddly wet lips, repel us. Even - yes, really - even those of us that have children of our own. Not here, not now. We're not interested in your spawns' colouring skills, and we really don't need to hear a list of dinosaur names yelled in high-pitched voices. And we hate the smell of Monster Munch in the evening.

By all means, take your children out, show them the world. Broaden and enrich their little minds.

Just don't do it on the train, at rush hour, eh? Please?



Anonymous said...

If you have a stressful job you certainly won't be travelling home on the 5:15.

Other than that I agree

Catosays said...

I used to travel on the 'Honker's Special'...last train out of Victoria. Plenty of room there..slight smell of vomit though!

Anonymous said...

The Gatwick Express runs all night so there isn't really a last train. Remember taking my girlfriend to get the 3:15am one to go on a ski-ing holiday about 15 years ago. More drunks than you could poke a stick at and more than one pavement pizza around as well.


Constantly Furious said...

Ahhh, the 'Vomit Comet'. Fond memories.

One friend ate his own tie, when it became entangled in his kebab. Another held vomit in his mouth for three stops before getting off to get rid of it.

Good times..

dazmando said...

Its ok to get the 5.15 train if you worked from god knows o'clock