Now that everything is sorted out, the economy is fixed, swine flu has been eradicated, the war in Afghanistan has been won and poverty and inequality are just a distant memory, the triumphant and successful Labour government can concentrate on the more trivial aspects of society, and really begin to help us all, in every way.
That must be the case, mustn't it? After all, look at this: Secretary of State for Health, Andy Burnham (isn't he the one that cured swine flu?) is calling on kids up and down the country to help create a brand new swimming stroke.
A what?A fucking what? A "brand new swimming stroke"? What the flying fuck does he want one of those for?
"The national competition to kick off Swim4Life, part of Change4Life, asks youngsters to send their ideas, including a description of how they came up with their new stroke, a picture that inspired it and a suggested name."
A senior member of the cabinet has announced a painting competition for the kiddies? What the fuck? And what's with all the txt-speak? Swim4Life? Change4Life? And, hey, 'Kids'?
Secretary of State, Timmy Mallet, sorry, Andy Burnham, said:
"The competition is all about getting kids moving in the water where their bodies have to work harder than on dry land - be it the dolphin, the penguin or the wriggly worm stroke."“Taking the kids swimming is a great way of making sure they’re moving around and having fun.
“I hope this competition will see even more families take the plunge and head to their local pool to think up an inventive new stroke.
Ah! Now we're getting to the real point. Andy Burnham couldn't give a tiny rat's arse about any 'new swimming stroke', even if it is beautifully described, and comes with a lovely little painting. Nah.
This is the State as our mummy, telling us what to do , telling us how to bring up our children, making sure we all eat our veg and generally patronising the living fuck out of us all: 'You'd better go swimming tomorrow, but don't worry, Nanny's thought of a lovely game we can play at the pool'.
Just in case we'd missed the point behind this clumsy, patronising, half-witted effort, 'Andy' reminds us
Swimming is a great way to get the 60 active minutes kids need everyday. It’s also a great way for families to be active together over the summer months."
Jesus Christ. What the fuck did we do before this nannying, patronising Labour government came to power? How did we fucking manage? How did children even make it to adulthood without this constant fucking barrage of unsolicited advice to their hapless parents?
Do you know, it's been going on for such a fucking long time, it's hard to remember.
Hat-tip to the lovely Ivor for pointing out this utter fucking absurdity, in an email to email@example.com.
Send more examples to the same address when you find 'em, folks.