How to Boycott Scotland

Attention, Americans!

Mad about the release of the Lockerbie bomber? Want to teach those haggis-eating surrender monkeys over in Scottishland a lesson? Sure you do! Well guys, you're in luck.

A nameless supporter of the U S of A has gone through Wikipedia's list of Scottish inventions and discoveries , so you'll know what to avoid. You can teach those pesky skirt-wearing caber-tossers a valuable lesson by turning your back on all the things below. Ready? Here we go...

Road Travel

The pneumatic tyre, tarmac and the two stroke engine are all Scottish inventions and as such should be avoided. Unfortunately it is best if you don't cycle either as that was also invented by a Scotsman. For the time being please walk instead.


Set down the remote control, unhook the cable and turn off the television set as its inventor was born in Helensburgh. I know it might be difficult, but think about all the time you will have free to do other things, just make sure you walk to them.


I urge you to please get the word out about this list and the Boycott, but do not telephone your loved ones or write to them (best to avoid postcards, fax & radio as well).


Please do not use any of America's suspension bridges as their construction is due to another Scottish invention.

If you do have a suspension bridge in your area please consider contacting your local government official and demand its removal.

Finger Printing

Any American citizen convicted using finger print evidence should be pardoned immediately.


Moms to be, cancel that ultrasound. Kid taken a tumble down the stairs? Am sure they'll be ok, just ensure they don't have an MRI.

All diabetes sufferers should immediately cease all use of Insulin (its ok, you wouldn't have been able to inject it anyway)

If you are currently taking any beta blockers, dispose of them; and you'll have to find an alternative treatment for that unfortunate bout of syphilis

Cold beer

Remove all beverages from the fridge, a cooler will have to do. Just remember that every warm beer is bringing us one step closer to Scotland relenting. A reduction in liquid consumption might be a good thing as every patriotic American should remove the flush toilet from their bathroom.


While enjoying your warm FREEDOM™ beer please petition your local government official to begin disbanding the American PGA (remember not to use the telephone, post, radio, fax or a computer - perhaps their office is within walking distance?) also you should urge Lance Armstrong to be a true all American and give up cycling.

So, yankees; what are you waitin' for? Get to it. Yeeeehaaaa!!!

Hat-tip to the anonymous person at who put this list together. Excellent.


Anonymous said...

good one! Besides, they should focus all their attention on who made the deal and not its people.

Don't they realise that we are in a dictatorship?

RantinRab said...

Excellent post mate!

Anonymous said...

Nice one furious !

AngryCardiff said...

You rule CF

NickM said...

Two corrections...

Logie-Baird's electro-mechanical TV was going nowhere. Philo T Farnsworth's electronic system was the real deal. Farnsworth was an American.

MRI as a medical technique was basically invented at Nottingham University. Google "Nobel Laureate Sir Peter Mansfield FRS" - a Londoner by birth.

Constantly Furious said...

@NickM: that's right, come round here and spoil everything with your so-called "facts" ;-)

Hurf Durf said...

Alright, how about a compromise: Scotland's products aren't boycotted, but Edinburgh gets obliterated in a nuclear strike.

I think that's a reasonable and rational solution.