Like the ghastly creature at the end of a cheap horror movie, Gordon Brown will not give up. He keeps dragging his hideous mangled body forwards, dragging himself painfully along on his remaining limbs.
We hear from Labour's tame broadsheet, The Independent, that Gordon Brown is to relaunch himself yet again, and to start a 'fightback' for the autumn. Oh goody.
The piece makes interesting reading, being a classic example of how to announce, with great fanfare, .. err ... well, fuck all, really. So what's the plan, guys?
"Initially, Mr Brown will seek to establish in voters' minds the key differences between Labour and the Tories – on policy, government intervention to limit the impact of the recession and preserving frontline services"
Well of course he fucking will. Initially? That's all he's ever done. No ideas. No policies. No grand fucking plan. Just an endless series of lies and distortions about what the evil Tories would do if we to be foolish enough not to elect (not re-elect, of course) Gordon to be PM in 2010.
Never mind what CallMeDave might do, Gordo'; what the fuck are you going to do?
Ah, here it comes:
"..he will acknowledge that the Government needs to go beyond the £35bn of efficiency savings it has already promised. ... Cabinet ministers will announce that some projects will be abandoned, shelved or delayed to save money. ... There will be things that need to be put off, done more slowly or abandoned altogether."
Hmmm. Sounds promising. Tell us more...
"Labour strategists have advised Mr Brown it can be eroded by contrasting the Government's record and plans with David Cameron's more sketchy programme. Labour's internal polling reports claim the Tories are more vulnerable on policy than their current lead suggests because they are widely perceived as having little or no policy. "
OK. So, the Tories have no policies. What are your policies for all this cost saving, then, McBroon? At this point, shoes are stared at, throats cleared and then..
"No specific decisions have yet been taken"
Oh. Fucking great. That fills us all with confidence, Gord'.
"Under a fightback plan being written in Downing Street, the Government will accept that efficiency measures must be taken by all Whitehall departments and real savings identified on top of them."
So, the plan is currently 'being written'. There isn't a plan yet. And when there is, the plan will say that 'measures must be taken'.
If you went to the doctor, in pain, and he had a quick prod, then informed you that he was going to write a plan, in which he would accept that measures must be taken to make you well, you wouldn't really feel a whole lot better as you staggered back into the car park, would you?
And, in spite of this brave new approach, this fresh start, Labour still can't leave the same old bullshit alone:
"..a programme to cut future debt without harming the frontline services on which people will depend. ... Britain's future cannot be built without the "continued investment" safeguarded by Labour"
OK. So you haven't completed the 'plan for the plan' to save money, you don't really know what the fuck you're doing, but what you do know is that you want to keep spending money too. Dear god.
Anything else new in this startlingly bold and detailed strategy, Gordon? Oh yes:
"Labour will be launching a drive to combat long-term unemployment. A "Backing Young Britain" campaign will outline new measures that will help young people into work."
So, no, nothing new.
All in all, Gordon, you've probably wasted our time here. Nothing new, a couple of half-hearted attacks on the Tories, some vague 'promises' to cut costs and spend more, and the usual re-re-re-re-announcements of tired old ideas.
But there's one last point. The clincher. Here's where CF finally lost control and slumped to the ground, helpless with mirth. The un-named 'senior Labour source' feeding all this guff to the eager Indie reporter got a little carried away when summing up, and just went a bit too far.
Apparently, Gordon Brown, the man widely acknowledged as the worst fucking PM this country has ever had, the man who has repeatedly lied and cheated for his own ends, the man who always disappears whenever the going gets tough, is our best possible PM because not only will he do all the miraculous things listed, but he will..
".. offer leadership that convinces and inspires"