A gift for Nanny

Chilling news from the world of science. Boffins, rather than working on a cure for the Geoff Hoon, or a method to force cyclists onto cycle paths, or an antidote for Strictly Come Dancing, have come up with a way to read minds.

Yes, really. Not just Derren Brown-esque trickery, but proper mind-reading. Apparently:

"Scientists have read the minds of healthy volunteers using a brain scanner to detect what they were thinking ... The advance brings a step closer the prospect of a "thought machine" to detect what a person is thinking from their brain activity patter"

Excited Scientists, breaking off from chanting "'ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go", and dancing around the labs', added

"Now that we have shown it is possible to directly access information about individual episodic memories in vivo and noninvasively, this offers new opportunities to examine important properties of episodic memory"

Which, in human speak, translates into "We can read your mind. While you're still alive. Without making holes in your head. Bwooo-hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa"

Well, ain't the State gonna love this? Won't Nanny be pleased?

Soon, you won't just be demonised and denormalised for smoking; you'll be in deep shit for just thinking about your next fag.

You won't just be abused and constrained for eating fish 'n' chips: Nanny will come down on you like a ton of bricks if you even hungrily daydream about a nice piece of cod.

And, just before you pick up the 'phone, or tap out an instant message, inviting your mates out for a drink on Friday night, you'll receive a stern email from Nanny, warning you off the binge.

Be afraid..

.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is going to be problematic. How can you stop thinking that Gordon isn't a mendacious, manipulative, ego blinded chump? Is there no escape???

JuliaM said...

Wait until they try it with a few celebrities or public sector workers.

They'll be staring at the blank readout, scratching their heads, thinking their machine is broken....

Anonymous said...

"We can read your mind. While you're still alive. Without making holes in your head. Bwooo-hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa"

Well, not exactly. As I understand it, this is a very crude methodology which *correlates* certain patterns of brain activity in certain areas of the brain with known, predefined visual stimulus. So, a subject is shown a video clip and certain bits of the brain light up in certain ways (behave). If this is "mind-reading" then watching raindrops splash in a puddle should be classed as weather prediction. Without a knowledge of the specific stimulus, the technique is useless.

Mind you, Brown is still an unspeakable shit.

Thatsnews said...

Worse. Eventually they'll MAKE you think what yhey want you to think...

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