The Childrens' Nanny

Back in the good ol' days, only children born the very wealthiest and most privileged families would have a Nanny. Someone to look after them, because their Mummy or Daddy either couldn't or wouldn't.

Now, you lucky children, every single one of has you a nanny. The same nanny. Nanny State.

Nanny State, dears, will look after all of you, all the time. Even when you're a grown-up, Nanny will look after you, but the ones Nanny loves best are you, you little scamps.

And Nanny State knows best. Always.

Nanny says you must be protected at all times, from the naughty grown-ups. Especially those who might not be nice, and who might want to do horrid things. And that could be anybody, boys and girls

So, my dears, you're going to have to stop going to play rugby on Saturdays. Yes, you might well love rugby. But to get there, you have to have a lift from Mr. Smith, who lives down the road.

And Mr Smith, for all Nanny knows, might well be the sort of man who - instead of driving you the sports field, like he does every week - will suddenly decide to stop his Volvo in a lay-by and show you his winky.

And you, sweetheart, can't have any more tennis lessons. Nanny's sorry, but you really can't. That lovely Mr Brown has been teaching little girls tennis for years and years, but Nanny thinks that, given half a chance, Mr Brown might like to take some pictures of you when you're getting changed. So best you don't see him any more.

Do you remember how you used to like it when grown-ups came to your school assemblies and told you interesting things? So much better than the boring old teachers, wasn't it? People that wrote books, people that painted pictures, people that had done interesting things, would come and talk to you about it.

Nanny's got to stop that too. Sorry. But there were just too many of them to investigate, and some of them might really have wanted to come to yoit school not to talk about the animals they photographed in Kenya, but to put their horrid hands inside your clothes.

So, just in case, Nanny's going to make it a lot harder for them to get anywhere near you. So hard, that a lot of them won't bother, and you won't see them anymore. Isn't that good?

And this week, kiddies, Nanny's got some more bad news for you.

Remember how you used to like going to the farm? To see the sheep and the pigs and the cows and the chickens and the funny old donkey? Remember how you always had to wash your hands afterwards, in case any yucky germs got on them?

Well, dears, Nanny thinks that some Mummies and Daddies might not remember to remind you. Then you might get a sorely tummy.

So, just in case, Nanny thinks it best if you don't go to see the animals any more. Yes, the sheep will be sad too. But we don't want any more sore tummies, do we?

What's that? What can you do? Well .. well ... How about some more things not to do?

You'd better not play on your PlayStation, because you might get naughty ideas about guns.

Best if you don't play with those nasty conkers this autumn either. Someone might hurt their knuckles, or get something in their eye, so Nanny thinks no-one should have conkers.

You'd better not watch television, because you might get 'obese'. Who knows what 'obese' means? That's right. It means 'fat'. Fat like a little boy or girl who never plays any sport, and never goes for a nice walk around the fields, and never really goes out at all. We don't want that, do we?

What? You want to know what you can do? Oh, Nanny doesn't know. Best leave Nanny alone now dear: she's thinking. Thinking of some more rules to keep you safe, dear.

Run along.



George said...

Or you can do like I do and ignore the fucking lot of them, I tell you who knows best, ME the parent (or my wife more often than not)

Tode said...

Who kept screaming at the Government that "something must be done"? Why are we (on the whole) so stupid that when we vote, we follow what the tabloid press tells us? So long as that happens, we will get stupid decisions no matter who is in power.
Anyway, what would you do as a politician? You would be far more likely to be sacked for not protecting children than for over-protecting them.

Anonymous said...

And when you grow up, dears, Nanny's nice friends the Police Nannies will see you walking innocently along the street, all on your own, and they will kill you.

It's for your own good, dears.

The End (Bye Bye!) said...

Kids under 5 years old can't go near animals now, as well.

Should keep Gordon Brown away from toddlers though.

Anonymous said...

No-one is going to dicate how I bring up my child and who they can and cannot have lifts with and what sports they can or cant do.

I agree with George. Ignore them. If they come picking a fight with me by interferring in my life, then I will tell them to fuck off.

I dount very much that they will pull this stupid scheme off. As usual, they will squander more money and then abandon the stupid idea. Fools!

bil said...

Missed a couple. At my children's primary school all ball games, skipping ropes and Brtish Bulldog were banned as being too dangerous. Even running in the playground was a disciplinary activity.

Jill said...

Meh, meh and thrice meh.

Although, if we are to take a tiny glimmer of hope, at least they are focusing on the situations in which abuse DOES occur, instead of the EuroMillions-jackpot-style Stranger Danger shite.

No. You're right. It isn't even a tiny glimmer.

Under this scheme, I and my husband will both have to pay our £64s and register. That's what you get for being community-minded. Worse still, how the fuck (italics in 'omage, darling, 'omage) do you boycott it? If you do, you can't do the community minded stuff. You can boycott ID cards and let them do their worst - after all, the only person to suffer will be yourself. It truly is enough to make one constantly furious.

I'm sure it'll all collapse, but the sooner the better.

TDK said...

I tend to agree with Tode that the main factor he has been the people that say "something must be done". People see a problem and are incapable of seeing any solution except demanding more government.

Another problem is that every politician learnt politics in the student union. The majority of union business was involved with passing measures to declare the support or solidarity of the student body with one cause or another. Very few issues had any impact on actual student lives. This was a form of gesture politics. The students learnt that politics wasn't principally about improving outcomes but about showing other people that you had the correct bien pensant attitudes.

As a result todays politicians are either keen to pass laws showing that they are concerned about the right things or else frightened to reject them out of fear that they will be branded unsympathetic or worse.

David Gillies said...

It's all very well saying, "bollocks to the lot of 'em, let them try it with my kid," blah, blah, blah. They will crush you if you try. You will be professionally ruined, or imprisoned, if you try to take them on. It's possible the self-righteous do-gooders will eventually encounter an implacable wall against which they can push no further, but up until that point to oppose them will be to render yourself a casualty. This, of course, is the central dynamic they bank on. The vanguard are always the ones that get killed. When the dam breaks those behind it are swept away (and generally awful things happen). But a lot of people on the other side drown before that.

Are you really ready to stand up to them? Really, really? 'Cos I'm not. I got the hell out of Dodge when the writing was on the wall. I might regret that I only have one life to give for freedom. If I could put another quid in the slot and get three more I might be more up for a bit of counter-Gramscian revolution. Instead I took my expensively educated and highly productive person out of the line of fire.