Vodafone, you fascists

Constantly Furious recently became the owner of a brand spankin' new Netbook. While it has the processing power of a ZX Spectrum, and a screen slightly smaller than a postage stamp , it is very handy for email and surfin' the internet.  This can even be done 'on the move' as they say in the ads, since the beast has a tiny SIM card somewhere deep in its guts, courtesy of Vodafone.

However, even when on the road, wind in the hair, it's seldom possible to stray too far from Nanny. After all, we're all a little bit silly, aren't we? We don't really know the difference between right and wrong, do we?

When clicking on a bookmark for a site CF visits regularly, he was astonished and infuriated to be presented with this:

What? What the fuck? "Content Control is in place"? The little Vodafone SIM card has decided that certain sites cannot be accessed? Censorship by a tiny piece of electronic circuitry?

Let’s get this straight: Vodafone have sat down and come up with a big list of sites that - tut, tut - we really shouldn't be visiting. Then they have programmed their systems so that - because we can't be trusted, because we're so very naughty - we can't access these sites.

Dear God.

CF doesn't work for you, you corporate cretins. You're not CF's mummy either. You are being paid to provide a fucking service here, not to nanny us round the internet.

What next, Vodafone? Will you prevent us from ringing certain 'phone numbers? The ones for people you don't approve of? Will you not pass on text messages that you don't think are quite decent?

Oh, but we can remove the censorship, says the screen. All (all?) we have to do to get this bar, this massively fucking impudent intrusion, lifted is to ring Vodafone up (assuming we're over "18 or over" of course - got to protect the chiiiiiildrennn).

Have you ever, Vodafone, in an idle moment, tried to ring one of your own help lines? Just as an experiment? If you had, you would realise that it is an ordeal of fucking gigantic proportions. Sitting in some fucking queue, listening to some infuriating pop music, interspersed with assurances that "Your call is important". Yes, it fucking is. To the poor bloody caller. Just not to you, apparently, you bastards.

CF really can't see a time, in his busy diary, when he'll have either the time or the patience to sit listening to Enya over a tinny phone line for 45 minutes. So the internet will have to remain locked.

But what the hell, you're asking, was CF trying to access? Was he trying to illegally download music, even though Mandy says that's naughty? Was he perusing the sort of vile porn would make even Obo' the Clown feel ill? Was he going to visit an extremist 'hate' site? Just what was it that Vodafone was saving him from?

It was Paddy Power, the online betting site. Go on, click the link. Unless you too are connecting via Vodafone, in which case, don't you dare click the link. Vodafone don't want you going there - you might end up .. betting. Ugh! What do you think you are? An adult? No, best you toddle over to the BBC website, see what's going on with Strictly Come Dancing.

How has this come to pass, for fuck's sake? CF was using his own browser, on his own laptop, over a connection that he was fucking well paying for, and these jumped up fuckwits decided he couldn't be permitted to see a mainstream website.

What the fuck have we come to?



Anonymous said...

If it's any consolation, I owe Vodafone over £500 from years ago.

They have two chances of getting it, the lying thieving bastards.

Edwin Greenwood said...

This may be OFCOM-inspired rather than something Voda have thought up. It also applies to T-Mobile. I had to get the site blocking removed for both my ordinary phone and my mobile-broadband doodah.

With T-Mobile it's an automated online process involving a "dummy" credit card transaction. Which is interesting in itself; I wonder what the precise protocol is for returning information about a customer's age to the vendor.

RantinRab said...

When I used my phone for all my interweb stuff, the 'built in' browser would come up with all that shit too.

However, opera mini on a phone has no such problem.

Usukh Dikh said...

Admit it, you're fustrated 'cause you didn't get to have a wank in the car...

Rob said...

Has Rab been sending you some of his favourite links as well CF? Paddypower...a likely story. Unless, it was PaddyPower.org, the legendary Irish porn site full of pale, freckly womrn getting ploughed...with enya in the background.

Anonymous said...

"What the fuck have we come to?"

I think this might be an inaccurate question because I don't think we are 'there', yet. There's more to come, of that there is no real doubt.

Von Spreuth said...

So, CF, have you actualy sent this question, a copy of this web page would do, to VODAPHONE? Or do you just now sit back and think you have domne your bit because Vodafone ALWAYS scourge web sites to see who is talking about them?

If you don't complain you have fuck all to complain about.

Constantly Furious said...

"If you don't complain you have fuck all to complain about."

I'm not going to fuck about writing to the Chairman, and appearing weeping on 'That's Life'

I took the SIM out, binned it, stopped the contract, and put an 02 SIM in, which works perfectly.

Fucked if I'm going to help the moron's at Vodafone - let them work out why they're losing customers, if they care.

JuliaM said...

This reminds me of Sky+'s parental control system for viewing films above 'U' rating. It's on by default, and you can't turn it off.

Previously, it used to be a setting you put on yourself because you had kids. A few years ago it changed, and now, everyone has it applied permanently, and you can only access a film above 'U' if you key in your PIN code each and every time.

Yes, even if you don't have kids. There's no bypassing it.

When I queried this, I was told it was 'what the majority of viewers wantyed'. I asked the girlie on the other end of the line how she knew that - did they have a survey done? Was their mailsack full of people clamouring to be saved from themselves?

She couldn't answer that...

Jill said...

I've just died laughing. I was about to mention Sky's PINparenting. The only people in our house who actually know the PIN are the forking kids anyway.

Jill said...

PS and OT (sorry).

I haven't done that political spectrum quiz in ages! They've made it all bettererererer with importance ratings.

I am (like you care):

You are a left social libertarian.
Left: 4.85, Libertarian: 5.13

JuliaM said...

"I was about to mention Sky's PINparenting. The only people in our house who actually know the PIN are the forking kids anyway."


Mrs J Smith MP said...

Me and Richard have no idea what our PIN is either

woman on a raft said...

It's not exactly OFCOM - its the Internet Watch Foundation.

They have campaigned over the past decade to make ISPs bar the websites they specify. The authority on this is the excellent and also furious Frank Fisher


who has called them out on various occassions. They basically think they know what you should be allowed to read or see on a variety of subjects.

Vodafone are all sorts of shit, but they probably aren't responsible for this one.

Longrider said...

"...because Vodafone ALWAYS scourge web sites to see who is talking about them?"

Actually, these companies do just that. They employ companies like Relevant Noise to do it for them.

beancounter said...

I had the same problem with a Vodafone data card that would not allow me to buy....some wine. But then I am only 53.

Mandelson's Gerbil said...

Uncle Bob lies!

Paddypower.org is not the haven of thick-set Irishmen deflowering flame haired strumpets that he described.

Constantly Furious said...

No. He meant PaddyPounder.org. Totally different.

Anonymous said...

Sky Guys - pull your sky card out, by default your pin is the last 4 digits.

Yeah this bugs the fuck out of me too, I have to pull the fucking card out of the machine every time I want to watch a film on box office.


Anonymous said...

i had this very sam problem accesing redtooth poker to check the pub league from my blackberry. The bastards blocked the site and it took 3 - hour long calls and a visit to the fucking t-mobile shop with proof of id for fucks sake. Proof im over fucking 18 - im bald - is that a fucking start - and all the stubble? I thought you had to be 18 to get a fucking contract in the first place. usless cunts.

Anonymous said...

and dont even get me started on the fucking sky pin number.Whoever thought that up wants their fucking eyelids cutting off.

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Anonymous said...

I was in the Internet searching things randomly, and at least 60% of the sites wer "inappropriate".
Fuck that bastards, I realy want them to shut down the Internet services. I should be alawded to what the hell I want, but thethe creeps are there to control even game content. what the fuck do they think they are?, my parents?, CIA?
Fuck them all and their fucking internet and client useless assistance.

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