Hypocritical God Botherers

The Archbishop of Canterbury has got his big bearded face on telly yet again, and this time has taken the chance to condemn the wicked banks and their evil bonuses.

 Waffling away in the way these pious bloody people do, he says:

"People [are] saying "well actually, no, we got it wrong and the whole fundamental principle on which we worked was unreal, was empty" ..  I worry. I feel that's precisely what I call the 'lack of closure' coming home to roost. It's a failure to name what was wrong. To name that, what I called last year 'idolatry', that projecting [of] reality and substance onto things that don't have them."

One question leaps immediately to mind here: what the holy fuck has it got to do with you?

Given that you believe you work for a big angry man with a beard who lives in the sky, why the fuck would you think we want or need your opinion on the remuneration policies of global businesses?

Did your imaginary friend tell you this in a dream? Did an angel appear at the end of your bed? "sorrrrt ouuuuut the baaaaanks, my chiiiilllld"

Is it written somewhere in your special old book?  Joshua III, : "the moneylenders shall not be incentivised on a performance basis"

You seem to have misunderstood your role, Bishy; you're supposed to go to one of the big old buildings with a spire and give your sermon to the collection of spinsters, scarily-smiling young men and pensioners you'll find there, not trot along to the BBC and deliver pious fucking sermons to the whole uncaring nation.

Oh, and what's that smell? Is it the musty odour of old hymn books? No, its the rank stench of fucking hypocrisy

The Church of England, your church, your employer, is an incredibly wealthy organisation. One of the largest landowners in the UK. You and your mates live in buildings so fucking grand, they're called 'palaces'.

And they fucking are palaces, too. Way, way bigger than the mansions of most top bankers. Your mate the Bishop of Durham's Auckland Castle has 50 fucking rooms, along with a banqueting hall and 30 acres of parkland.

As you doubtless know, you hairy hypocrite, last year you and the other 113 Bishops spent £23.5 million on yourselves, and £5.7 million on your 'palaces' and cathedrals. Those evil bankers can only look on in envy.

And yet, in spite of all this vulgar wealth, the poor sods in CF's village have spent literally years selling old paperbacks and jam to each other, to raise a couple of grand to prevent the village church falling down.

And that after earlier years desperately saving up for some heating, so that the poor old dears who still totter along of a Sunday don't actually die of fucking hypothermia during the endless sermons.

Do you ever 'worry' about that, as you lie in your gigantic four poster bed, Rowan?

The Arch-hypocrite also had the fucking brass neck to add, in concluding his sermon, that the financial crisis was a lesson (there's always a fucking lesson) that "economics is too important to be left to economists".

What the fuck? So we should let the god-botherers have a go at economics, should we? Listen, beardie, economists don't come round your place and re-arrange the hassocks, or tell you to have 3 hymns instead of 4, do they? So why do you think the economy would benefit from your help?

Do you know the only thing we want you to do for our poor ruined, fucked-up economy, Archbishop?

Pray for it. In the name of God, pray for it.



David Davis (Libertarian Alliance) said...

The main problem about the Asse-Hatt is that he does not speak an easily recognised form of English.

JuliaM said...

"The crisis was a lesson that ''economics is too important to be left to economists'' and there was a role for ''awkward amateurs'' in examining the way the City works."

So, step forward that most awkward of amateurs to have a go!

JuliaM said...

I did like this though:

"I think that's one of those things that feeds the ... diffused resentment; that people are somehow getting away with a culture in which the connection between the worth of what you do and the reward you get becomes more obscure.''

There was a sense of ''bafflement'' and ''muted anger'' at the bonus culture, Dr Williams said."

Really…? I can’t say it keeps me awake at nights. Or many of the people around me, either.

Or, did the Archbish just mean ‘among the circles in which I move’?

Almighty God said...

Whilst your considered summary of 2000 years of christianity as being belief in a a "big angry man with a beard who lives in the sky," is a tad simplistic, your central point that Rowan williams is a tit is quite correct.

Barking Spider said...

Does anyone have the slightest idea what the bearded twat was attempting to say?

Anonymous said...

We are accused of " ...projecting reality and substance onto things that don't have them."

By an archbishop?

Does he really not see some irony in that?

Peter Thomas said...

Do you know, Constantly, I've been reading your blog for a few months now and even voted for it, and although I don't go in for the unnecessary swearing (being strictly brought up C of E), I have to say that you have a knack for putting your finger right on the pertinent bit. And, more importantly, as in this latest post, you make me laugh heartily which does my poor knackered old body a World of good. More power to your elbow.

mungle said...

His words about the banking system that you quote, could without alteration be applied directly to his set up.

Jill said...

Oh! Are you saying the only people who should have a say about the fucked up financial system are the ones who fucked it up?

Not big on religion me'sen, but why can't beardy have a perspective?

Constantly Furious said...


No, beardie's completely entitled to have his say on banking.

Just as I'm completely entitled to point out the hypocrisy of a man who lives in a 'palace' complaining about the misuse of money...

Jill said...

Well, to be fair, again - not big on CofE or any other religion - but surely there are better targets for your most excellent shitfuckpisswanking? Non? Beardy earns £67k (plus, I'll admit, excellent pension, chauffeur and yes, posh grace and favour accommodation). But some of those palaces you're talking about are part of the nation's architectural heritage! I don't actually personally care hugely for that either, but you can hardly hold Rowan the Beard responsible for that.

Newsnight, with its self-adoring Paxo and its Mark Can't-We-Kill-Him-In-A-Really-Unpleasant-Way Urban, is getting more and more on my nerves these days, but I actually thought that edition was excellent - and that beardie's contribution was a worthwhile, if waffly, part.

David Gillies said...

Yeah, but Paxo doesn't have a seat in the House of Lords and claim to have some hotline to a non-existent sky-fairy that knows if you've been naughty or nice.

Edgar really put it best: the idea of an Archbishop criticising doctrinaire adherence to a fantasy construct really is so rich in sticky chocolatey irony as to induce a hyperglycaemic coma.