Mandy's Free Degrees

Peter Mandelson loves Universities. In fact, he seems obsessed with them. But not in a good way. More like a celebrity stalker, who feels that the lady newsreader would really enjoy his caresses, if she'd just let him try.

He just can't stop thinking about them, imagining what's best for them, what they should be doing.

Even though 'Education' is one of the few Government Departments he doesn't run, he can't resist tinkering, fiddling, sharing his views, sniping and directing from the sidelines.

And he's got some bad news for Universities today. As sneaky as ever, Mandlesnake has slipped out this news two days before Christmas: after all the 'real', elected MP's have gone home and while the entire country is in 'crisis', buried in 2 inches of slush.

Mandleson's  little Christmas present to the Universities is a huge cut in their budgets for 2010. Yup. Those same universities that struggled this year, that couldn't take on all the students wanting to attend, will get 135 million pounds less to play with next year.

And that cut is in addition to the 600 million pounds of mythical 'efficiency' savings for 2012 already dumped on the Universities in Badger Darling's PBR.

But don't worry, Uni's, Mandy's got some ideas. Some ideas on how you can do better. Better than you've managed in the hundreds of years for which you've existed. Much better - this is the NuLab way, see?

The Foy Boy's main suggestion - actually, more of an order really - is that Universities provide:

"..more programmes that are taken flexibly and part-time and that a learner can access with ease alongside their other commitments,

Oh for flying, flaming, fuck's sake. A degree is supposed to indicate that some effort has been made. That there was some commitment, possibly even - heaven forbid - some sacrifice. It shouldn't be possible to get a degree in the spare moments between cold calls in your day job. 

Not content with that simpering idiocy, Manders also dictates that he wishes to see:

“..programmes such as foundation and fast-track degrees, that can be completed full-time in two years"

Oh yeah. Fucking genius. After all, in this age of instant gratification, 3 years is a long time to have to wait for a degree, isn't it? In fact, even 2 years sounds a bit of a slog. Why not make it a couple of weeks? Dear God.

Get this straight, Mandy: if you can get a 'degree' in two years, it’s not a fucking degree is it? It's some other, simpler, qualification, isn't it?

Why is it that the fucking socialists can only achieve the 'fairness' that they bang on and on about by dragging everyone down to the lowest common denominator? By setting the hurdles at two inches, so everyone can jump them?

In their tiny 'all-shall-have-prizes' minds, everybody must a have a 'degree' from a 'university'. So they have to achieve this misguided target by calling every single further education institution a fucking university and every single poxy qualification a degree.

Oh dear god, why? Why are we letting these fuckwits ruin our once world-renowned University system?

This is getting close to an emergency. Some Universities have been around for literally hundreds of years, providing valuable, meaningful qualifications to hard-working students. In just 12 short years, the idiots in government have managed to undo all of this.

If these cuts, and these directives from High Lord Mandelson, go through next year, they will have achieved their aims. There'll be 20th Century degrees, achieved through 3 years of hard slog. And there'll by 21st century degrees, 'accessed with ease' by call centre workers in their spare time. And the old ones will be worth about ten new ones. Brilliant.

For fuck's sake, somebody get their hands off the controls.



SaltedSlug said...

Gah! The one post I half-heartedly threw together and left in draft yesterday, and you beat me to it. Good drills.

There will prove to be a educational dead-zone across the labour years which will be a kiss of death to any CV.

SaltedSlug said...

'an' educational, even.

Plainly I am a product of the system.

Costello said...

Good post although i'd take issue with:

"Get this straight, Mandy: if you can get a 'degree' in two years, it’s not a fucking degree is it? It's some other, simpler, qualification, isn't it?"

I think it's possible to shorten the length of some degrees without compromising their quality, rigour or depth of study required to pass. Certainly many of the humanities and social sciences degrees (many have only 8 hours total class time per week) could be squeezed into 2 years rather than 3. If he intends to shorten degrees in topics like engineering/medicine/physics that's quite a different matter though and knowing Labour they will of course manage things in a way that drags down the overall quality of everything, as you say.

Bobski said...

Obvious libertarian answer is to let the Unis run themselves but if we have to work within the modern framework then I would (in a similar way to Costello) extend degrees that require technical practise (except for medicine) because the current syllabi are far to crammed with theory and practical exercises are left at the wayside.

Shithole Britain said...

For once, it's a good decision by Mandy. Thanks to Nu Labour, the future of Britain's economy will no longer revolve around the need for a highly-educated workforce. You don't need a degree to flip burgers or toss pizzas. You don't need to have attended university to drop leaflets or to canvas people to buy shite over the phone. The lowest-end service industries are all that will be left very shortly, so no point in wasting money we can't afford on higher education.

Jill said...

I see the point about 2 year degrees.

Not so sure on the modular thing though. That's how America's always done it. You get um... credits a la Open University, the idea being you can work and put yourself through university at the same time. Personally, I think all UK young people should get three years at university for free. But failing that (sigh), having modular courses whereby you can take one, two or three units a year and then take three, four or five years to complete your degree sounds fine to me. Better than being forced into £20k of debt because you HAVE to do three years full time.

Anonymous said...

Why not give degrees away with birth certificates?

Then we can save loads of money by just closing all the schools and universities cos everybody will be 'qualified'!

Chris said...

Manglebum's cuts to education and two year degrees sounds like nothing more than publicity traps being laid for the incoming Tories. Students being infamously a wooly-lefty bloc vote and all...

The "Tories Dumb Down Degrees" and "Education Savaged!" headlines practically write themselves.

Anonymous said...

This one's a little personal CF, I wouldn't mind if you did your bit to send it round the blogosphere...

Mick Turatian said...

Mandelson has also told the universities that their funding will ultimately rise because they will be able to charge higher fees.

The greater the extent that a free market operates in university education the smaller will be the number of students coming forward to acquire third-rate qualifications from third-rate institutions.

The idea of reducing courses to two years is actually quite funny given that universities already complain that much of the first year is spent teaching students stuff that they should have learned in New Labour's sixth forms.

Anonymous said...

So its now 2 instead of 3 , therefor the slogan is now

"Education, Education"

Anonymous said...

I know , next time Mandy goes in for a bum op, why not put him under the knife of a "surgeon" who qualified in his spare time !!! Brilliant idea.

Anonymous said...

Henry Crun, get in touch with the trading standards people they can go after this shower under consumer protection legislation as you correctly state. A warranty is unecessary in Law, these cunts will know that and will probably back down when they see you are serious.

Anonymous said...

Anon: 17:12

Done...will be blogging this later on mine. Will let everyone know how it goes.

Anonymous said...

These shysters dont even trust themselves as seen from their own web site which says

"We do not accept liability for any errors and/or omissions in the information contained with the website.
Concept Car Credit will not be held liable for any infringement on your part of any third party Intellectual Property Rights.
You agree that Concept Car Credit will not be liable to you for any losses whatsoever (including but not limited to direct, indirect, consequential loss or damage, personal or business related losses) suffered by you, arising out of or related to the services provided by Concept Car Credit or your use or inability to correctly use this website.
Concept Car Credit will not accept liability even if you advise us in advance of the possibility of such losses.
In the event that Concept Car Credit is held liable for any such losses, Concept Car Credit's liability shall be limited to damages which shall in no event exceed £200 (without prejudice).
You agree to indemnify Concept Car Credit against any and all losses, claims, demands, liabilities, damages, costs and expenses arising from or relating to your use of the Website, your breach of these Terms and Conditions and your violation of any applicable laws, regulations or statute. This obligation shall remain in force even following the termination of this agreement"

In other words we are not liable for any innacurate information they give out on said site. And they think this will protect them ??? Dream on !!!

Is it just me but said...

Is another name for a two year degree not and HND or something similar?

Anonymous said...

Why has mandleson announced this and not Education Secretary Ed Cooper-Balls ?