If pigs could vote..

..they'd probably vote to abolish bacon slicers, and for triple rations of swill every evening. That's why farmers don't usually seek the opinion of the pigs regarding their living conditions.

A similar logic should be applied to the 646 greedy little pigs in the House of Commons.

Next week, Head Pig Hattie Harperson will haul herself to her feet and, eyes glittering with self-righteousness, inform MP's exactly how their cosy little lives are about to be shattered.

Yes, MP's are going to hear - as if they hadn't been thoroughly leaked already - Sir Christopher 'Ned' Kelly's proposals for a brave new world of expense policies.

This chilly and austere regime will include a ban on claims for mortgage interest on a second home, a ban on employing partners and relatives, abolition of the 10-grand-a-year-for-stamps 'communications allowance', and will stop MPs who live within an hour of Westminster claiming for second homes.

Hell, there's nothing wrong with any of that shit, the nation cries.

But MP's are slightly less delighted. In fact, they're squealing like pigs whose swill has been whisked from beneath their hungry noses.

Swinging his swill-spattered chops angrily from side-to-side, Sir Stuart Bell gives us the benefit of his opinion:

"The house would want to look at these recommendations very carefully, they will want to debate them and have the opportunity, should they so wish, to amend them."

Oh, would they? Would they fucking really? "..should they so wish, to amend them" - can't you just hear the fucking arrogance, the disdain and the overwhelming sense of entitlement packed into those words?

Here's an alternative suggestion, Sir Stuart: fuck right off, the lot of you.

You can 'look at these recommendations very carefully' for as long as you want. Stare at them until you're blue in the fucking face, if it pleases you. You can 'debate them' among yourselves all night, if you've really got nothing better to do.

But what you're not going to do, you greedy self-regarding bastards, is 'amend them'. We don't care what rules you'd like. You're going to abide by these rules.

But it's not sinking in, is it? Unnamed senior MPs have apparently warned that "there will be a major revolt" if Ned Kelly gets his way in one particular area, and removes the cash bung - the 'resettlement grant' - paid to the 112 MPs currently planning to stand down. "MPs will not accept that being withdrawn," said one.

What? If the 112 MP's who are stepping down - mostly because the fuckers know they won't be re-elected following their egregious expenses fraud - don't get a nice lump of cash to help them on their way, there will be a 'major revolt'? They 'will not accept that'? Oh yeah? What will they do? Step down? No, wait...

And, MP's, you're not going to get to vote on whether or not the recommendations are implemented either. Gordon Brown has already said - mainly for the sake of his own ruined reputation - that MPs will "have no right to vote" on the new expenses system. He wants this done, dusted and out of the way, so he can carry on saving the world and stage-managing the UK's now nearly unique recession.

Oohhhh, they're not happy about that. "Not democratic", "We have a right.."

But, as Anna Raccoon points out, they shouldn't be surprised. The Proceeds of Crime Act has been stealthily extended until Local Councils, the Rural Payments Agency, the Financial Services Authority, Transport for London, the Royal Mail, fuck, just about anybody can grab hold of our wallets and take our money as and when they feel the need.

Where were the protesting MP's then? Not in the house, 'debating' and 'amending', where they? No, tucked up in one of the many sumptuous beds we bought them, in one of the houses we paid for, watching the flat screen TV we bought them, remote control in one hand, Kleenex in the other.

You didn't vote then, little piggies, and you're certainly not going to vote now. You can't be trusted, see?  You've been caught with your fat little trotters in the till, so you don't get the right to decide whether we're going to padlock it.

Bad luck, piggies. There's no more swill, and the abattoir van is coming up the drive for some of you.

And we really don't care what you think about it...



doctor baloney said...

Brilliant work CF. Let's hope it becomes reality before the one-eyed Scot wavers....

Captain Haddock said...

Spot on CF ..

My great fear is that like the u-turn on the TA budget .. the one-eyed berk will cave in to pressure ..

And let's face it, if he does renege .. he can expect no flak from the so-called "Opposition" .. they're all in it together ..

The only way to ensure that these proposals become reality is if we .. the voting public, keep the pressure on at every opportunity and by every means at our disposal..

Jill said...

That's so right about the Proceeds of Crime Act. Off to read AR.

Bristol Dave said...

Spot on!

Ollie Cromwell said...

CF the best thing we can do is Spit Roast them

Don't Call Me Dave said...

Any MP unhappy at not being able to vote on these changes will now know how we all feel having been denied a vote on the Lisbon Treaty.

Captain Haddock said...

Any MP unhappy at not being able to vote on these changes can simply piss-off & get another job ..

After all, according to them they're such superior beings and worth every penny .. none should have trouble finding alternative employment ..

Potential employers will be queuing round the block to secure their "services" .. Errm NOT

Jill said...

Gotta love the way you mince those words, Captain! ;)

CF: seen this?


I think I'm just going to go and commit hara kiri.

Captain Haddock said...

Hi Jill ..

Sorry but I'm just a typical Yorkshireman .. (West Yorkshire, I hasten to add .. unlike those South Yorkshire twats Blunkett & Hattersley) .. I tell it as I see it ..

Its got me into trouble a few times .. but at least I've always had the satisfaction of knowing I was "my own" man ..

With me, what one sees is what one gets .. if anyone doesn't like that .. there's the door, please close it quietly on the way out ..

banned said...

" The Proceeds of Crime Act has been stealthily extended until Local Councils, the Rural Payments Agency, the Financial Services Authority, Transport for London, the Royal Mail, fuck, just about anybody can grab hold of our wallets and take our money as and when they feel the need."

Glad you mentioned that CF, I'm almost coming to the conclusion that the MPs Expenses thing is rumbling on just to divert us from the real problems. SOCA, EU Income Tax, Afghanistan and etc.

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