Letter to the Telegraph

Dear Daily Telegraph,

Re: the MP's expenses Scandal

Alright, alright, we get the fucking point. Please, put everything else on a CD, and give it away with the next copy of your rag (free with a bottle of water at WH Smith suits me best).

Then shut the fuck up about this, and start reporting some real news again.


For fucks sake, this is getting dull. It's been going on for what seems like years now, and after the first few days, very little more has been learnt by the great British public

Sure, some of it was good to hear: remember how we were furious with Hazel 'Chipmunk' Blears and the CGT? Remember how we demanded that Elliot Morely be sent to jail for his phantom mortgage? Remember how we chuckled, united as a nation, about that chap with his little house for ducks? Ah, good times, good times.

But the Telegraph just doesn't seem to know when to fucking stop. Day after day after tedious, repetitive day the story is dripped out.

It's like when your dog brings you a stick: "good boy", you say, "clever boy". So the slavering hound then brings you another. And another. And another. Given the chance, the poor stupid mutt will spend the whole fucking afternoon bringing you more and more chewed, spit-covered twigs, in the pathetically misguided idea that you're delighted with each and every one of 'em. "Another naughty MP, Daily Telegraph? Good boy".

So, mindlessly, they go on, story after story. The poor metaphorical barrel must have a pretty sore bottom, with all the scraping that's going on.

So some Labour MP claimed £5 back for a church donation? Well then he's a twat. But is this really headline news? Is it?

Sure, some will be outraged, as they are every day. Guido Fawkes is currently running 'that fiver' as a headline, and many other bloggers have popped this latest "obscenity" into the old sausage machine for today's post.

But really, what the fuck next? "Fury as MP uses Andrex instead of Tesco's own brand bog roll"?, "Outrage as MP takes last Jaffa Cake"? Jesus Christ, spare us this trivia.

And it's all such a fucking distraction to the poor dim public, who can generally only think about one scandal at a time, bless 'em.

If caught out, all an MP has to do is sit tight and keep quiet for a couple days; there’ll be a nice “duck house” story along shortly, and then we’ll all forget about them.

What the fuck happened to Baroness Uddin? To Jacqui Smith? To Hazel Blears? To Shahid Malik? Fuck all, that's what. We've all moved on, distracted by much smaller stories.

Pontificating on the Today program on Saturday some Telegraph talking head insisted on described this expenses leaking exercise as "our research". Research? You've got a big fucking spreadsheet with lots of names and numbers, and every day you pick a couple of rows and paste the details into the same fucking piece: "Outrage was today growing as blah blah fucking blah...". Where's the research in that?

The Telegraph website now even has a dedicated RSS feed, "MP's expenses" so we can watch 24 hours a day, all agog to see what latest piece of "research" they deem to drop into our ever-open mouths. The same, lame "its in the public interest" line is trotted out with fucking tiresome regularity. So nothing to do with selling more copies of your tedious rag then?

Well, CF for one is bored stupid with it all. Furious at Elliot Morely, yes, enraged by Hazel Blears, yes, and fucking incensed at Shahid Malik and his pathetic self-justifications.

But not remotely fucking interested in some miserable, tight sod claiming back a fiver which he didn't want to spend.

If there really are any more proper stories, that involve actual fraud (rather than actual Snickers, or actual light bulbs) then lets have 'em, right now.

You don't want to get tangled up, Daily Telegraph, in the unpleasantness that could arise if it was found that you've known about a major fraud for weeks, but not informed the police because you want to boost your fucking circulation in June.

But whether there are or not, its time to move on.

Move on, Daily Telegraph, move on. Get outside and get some sunshine. Barbecue some sausages. Just shut up about the expenses now, OK?



Anonymous said...

I agree that they should concentrate on bigger cases or even the EU Election or fraud, but what I do like about all this is MPs looking over their shoulder and their arrogance taking knocks on every scale.

I say let them carry on torturing Parliament for as long as possible unless they call a General Election. They deserve this and more.

DT Editor said...

SIR- You are tiring of all this, Mr. Furious, sir. Joe Public's eyes glazed over long ago and we are bored with boring ourselves with these boring revelations. We paid good money for all this shit though and we've only got another three weeks-worth of non-stories to publish. Yawwn. Read all about it at www.telegraph.co.uk

The End (Bye Bye!) said...

You are right. The effect is lessened by the drip-drip of new details.

I want Jacqui Smith, the Balls couple, Blears, Darling et al kicked out. NOW.

Forget the duckhouses and fivers here and there.

Anonymous said...

Stamina - you guys just need some stamina - think of the troops going in on the D Day beaches back in '44 - they didn't stop at the beach head and say - well fuck me,that's my war over - they kept on and on fighting,so get some fucking stamina and keep going - we have some more lepers to unmask.


Assuming the big stories have gone, the remaining exposures should be of course be shunted off to a special part of the paper, and not occupy the lead pages. As you say, we are longer interested in toilet rolls (But Two Bogs usage?) But Guido is right and you are wrong about the £5 RAF donation "made" by the socialist- hero MP. This is in fact one of the most grievous and pellucid examples of the utter shamelessness, scumbaggery and moral bankruptcy of the Blair/Brown ascendancy that even the GBP, possessing normally, it must be conceded, the memory retention of a forgetful goldfish, will not forget or forgive. £5 for the 50,000 men and woman of bomber command who died in WW2 to protect their country, many going on tour knowing they would not make their 20 tours! And not even your £5, Mr scumbag socialist, but confiscated from the public by your confiscatory tax regime.

Agent 99 said...

Yes absolutely agree with you and I have said so on Order order.

The real culprits are hiding amongst the small stories.


KillThePigs said...

Yes you're completely right CF.

Its time to start cleaning up the pigsty and we don't need to look at every piece of dirt before we can start.

Be afraid, you dirty pigs!

Don't Call Me Dave said...

I would like the Telegraph to finish their exposé of MPs expenses - if only so that they can turn their attention to troughing councillors.

Anonymous said...

The Telegraph don't like it up them, bear that in mind. Just ask Nadine Dorries. If your blog disappears, people will know why.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of a very old Monty Python sketch:

The people of this country are sick and tired of being told they are sick and tired. I know I certainly am.

Anonymous said...

i've solved the problem.
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forget the telegraph.
go to the daily mail.
it's got celebrities.

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