Maguire looks on the bright side

Kevin Maguire, writing yet another tediously tendentious piece for the Daily Mirror, appears to have gone for the final push a little early. With 24 hours left, he's already banged out his dramatic 'here's what you must do' advice to an admiring public.

The piece is entitled 'Lib Dem's Stinking Laundry' , which immediately illustrates the whirling confusion in Maguire's tiny, raging mind: the Lib Dem's are mentioned only twice, in passing, the vast majority of the piece being an attack on the eeevil Tories. Still, they're all the enemy, eh, Kev? Let's slag everyone off at once.

Kevin desperately wants us to vote Labour, but - like most Labour MP's activists and supporters - he doesn't really have a fucking clue why. He loftily recommends:

"For the good of ordinary families and Britain, it must be Labour."

Really? Why should it be Labour, Kevin? Why should we vote for 5 more years of Broon's woeful party? What will they do?

"Spending in classrooms would be slashed to fund “free” schools for pushy parents to save on private fees."

What? Labour would really do that? Oh no, wait, this is negative campaigning, isn't it? You're talking about what the Tories would do; you're trying to scare us all. So what would Gordon do?

"He’d axe hundreds of thousands of jobs, abolishing employment rights."

No, no, you're still talking about Cameron, aren't you? Come on, Kevin: we want to hear how Gordon Brown's going to help us all. How he's going to clear up the godawful fucking mess he's created over the last 13 dismal years.

Go on, Kev. Give us the postive news. Tell us one thing, just one thing, Gordo' will do if were to give him another turn at the helm?

"Like his heroine Maggie Thatcher, given half a chance Cameron will show ordinary working families who is the callous boss."

You can't do it, can you, Kevin? You can't think, in your foaming desperation, of a single reason why we should vote Labour. All you can do is bang out the same old lies, distortions and spin, whispered into your ear by the High Lord Mandleson. Oh, wait, he's got more:

"Home helps, dinner ladies, teachers, care workers, builders and coppers would be dumped on the dole"

Yeah, yeah. For fuck's sake, how stupid do you think we are, Kevin? That's a Tory policy is it? A Conservative plan for post-election. Sack the dinner ladies, sack the 'coppers'.

The only thing you forgot to add to that set of blatant porkies is 'strangle kittens', but we should just take that as a given, should we?

Wiping flecks of foam from his cheeks, Maguire concludes

"Labour Governments, warts and all, aren’t missed till they’re gone"

Do you know, Kevin, that's a risk we're just gonna have to take.



JuliaM said...

"..."For the good of ordinary families and Britain, it must be Labour."..."

Do you think he means ordinary families like these?

Dioclese said...

I feel a nomination for " a c**t" coming on.

Chris said...

Remove "until they're gone" from the peroration of this seepage from the cloaca of MiniTru, and you're a little nearer the reality.

Jill said...

Bejaysus. Have you SEEN Greece?

Anonymous said...

Does anyone still ctually pay to read the mirror? Amazing.

Anonymous said...

That fuckin moron Brown is on TV now bragging about how he has meade all these Global plans to save the whole fucking World. He's is off his fucking head !!!!

I dont normally swear but for fucks sake !!!!!

Nick2 said...

God, I wish Cameron would do >> half << of what Toilets says he would...

John Pickworth said...

"The only thing you forgot to add to that set of blatant porkies is 'strangle kittens'..."

No, Brian May (ex-Queen guitarist) did rivers of foxes blood across the countryside on the next page.